I magically became a master conversationalist with an infectious laugh and infinite charm!
My hair blew around my head all shampoo-commercial-y even though there was no wind in the room!
Every step I took was accompanied by the soothing, jazzy notes of a piano player in the corner! He only played according to my effortless movements!
Yeah. That did not happen.
Happy hour started at 6 with dinner at 7. We planned to leave to arrive after happy hour started. I'd never been to Soulard or it's namesake restaurant, but I had heard it was a nice place. My husband said earlier in the week that he was going to wear what he had to work that day. Jeans and a polo.
Then, my husband got home that afternoon and PUT ON SLACKS AND A COLLARED, BUTTON DOWN SHIRT. Which blew my mind all the f*ck over the place. It's a good thing we don't keep a loaded gun in the bedroom because I would have shot myself.
So even though I wanted to open the door to the fridge and just climb on in there, I dove into my closet and barely came up for air. Everything I tried on was too dressy or too casual. The only thing I liked were my boots. Which probably weren't that acceptable to wear but I was so over myself by the point when I finally got dressed that I didn't care anymore.
My husband was just thrilled I was wearing shoes that I could walk normally in, as in no 3 inch heels. He is a very smart husband sometimes. When I appeared from the depths of all my costume changes, he immediately said, "You look pretty!" I doubt he even really looked at what I was wearing.
We took a couple quick pictures. Mav totally photobombed us! Bad dog! Bad!
And obviously Arty the cat was like, "Why are you guys bothering me in my peaceful slumbers? Be gone!"
I took a bunch of photos of all the Christmas glory in order to calm myself down. To be shown in a follow up post. We set up the barricade to the kitty room. Cat furniture, check. Baby gates, check. Chairs, check.
Mav has been sneaking in there whenever we go anywhere and eating all the cat food. She also manages somehow to not disturb our blockades and to bring out the cat dishes and leave them licked sparkling clean throughout the house.
Later, just between the two of us, my husband made what I was unaware was a joke about how his coworkers had thought I was a call girl when we first got married (they'd never met me). My hubby's funny was supposed to be on him, not me, since he was trying to say that they thought he couldn't find a girl. It took a lot of calming me down after he said this to me because I immediately said, "OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU LET ME WEAR MY HOOKER COAT THEN?" Thanks, black shiny trenchcoat.
Thankfully, this was only for our own ears. Sheesh. Someone was uber sensitive (that'd me be).
Anyway, we finally left the house and I kept telling myself, "I'm a pretty pretty princess! People like me!" over and over again. We hit traffic but managed to get to the restaurant by 6:30.
The restaurant was tiny. We had the upstairs for the event, which was basically a very small room. There were FIFTY people there. FIVE-ZERO. We got there and stood at the entrance of the room for a long time. No one talked to us and there were people wearing jeans. I would have suggested booking it but I knew the husband would never go for it. We finally moved slowly and awkwardly backwards, where we found the coat rack and restrooms.
When we reappeared, the name tag guy found us. He put the hubby's name tag on his chest with a manly pat. Then turned to me and said, "I'm not allowed to touch women." Ah, sexual harassment humor. My cuppa tea. I laughed and took the name tag from him.
We did not really walk through the room. We shuffled. Towards the appetizers. Random people kept introducing themselves and shaking my hands. I needed to hold a plate like NOW. Did not know what to do with my hands. I kept nervously adjusting my sweater. My husband and I found the food table and put some crackers on a plate. Then, he reached for the lid of the very large, heavy, and metal serving thing holding the toasted ravioli. The second he touched it, something happened and it came crashing down. The noise was jarring to say the least. The party grinded to a halt as everyone was literally silenced and turned to look at us.
Hi.
It was fine and everyone went back to their business. We had probably the only 2 non-alcoholic drinks in our hands and little plates in our other hands. So no more not knowing what to do with my hands!
I should mention that although it seemed like almost everyone was older than us, someone had brought their baby. Their new baby. As in, I think his wife had it on the way over here. SO TINY. And they were passing the baby around. Everyone was holding the baby. There is a God and He does love me because I managed to avoid holding the baby. I don't know how I would have ever gotten over dropping that thing. The hubby would go down in work history on my account with that one. No thanks. I prefer not to kill any infants at my first work event. Just imagine dropping it on the floor was bad enough, but there was also a very steep staircase. And tables. I could just see me dropping it and it bouncing off the table.
I did not want to have to get divorced and move to Antarctica.
Even though I managed to avoid killing a baby, I did not do well with the adults. I couldn't hide my nerves. I suck. I just nodded a lot and tried to smile but it was one of those types of smiles where in my head I was thinking, "Oh God, I know this is not a good smile. This is a very scary, unhappy smile happening all up in here" and then in my head I gesture at my own face.
I did finally meet the wife of one of the hubby's closer work friends, which I had been looking forward to. She took my ice cold drink from me so she could shake my frozen hand, which was a little different. Then she started asking about my 9 cats. Her husband was embarrassed for some reason and I found out later that he had tried to talk to her about how maybe she should not exactly not talk about the cats but maybe not lead with it, which made me laugh really hard on the ride home. Things made a lot more sense knowing that. Her husband gave us the Tron DVD and I lifted my arms in a hooray-type way but did it very sarcastically. Which was probably rude. But WHY GOD WHY? Double disc special edition! Really? 2 discs of Tron? I thought with Netflix not having it I was home free. But no. Thanks, Hubby's Work Friend. I wanted to offer to loan his wife the Twilight saga in retaliation but I didn't.
Finally, the standing and mingling part of the evening was over and we were asked to sit down for supper. There were 5 long tables with 4 seats on each side and one seat at each head of the table. Nothing assigned, of course, but some places had purses and whatnot on them. Everyone easily took their seats. Except us. We tried to find seats but it just didn't happen. So we were left standing there while everyone was sitting. As in, every single person is seated and we are standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.
Hi again.
We stood next to the table with 2 seats open. Oh, you know what we saw. You do. You so do.
2 seats. One at each end of the table. So we could both sit as far away from one another as possible at the respective heads of this table.
Please kill me.
Thankfully one gentleman took mercy on us and basically said we're all moving down and everyone moved for us. Sigh of relief there.
The hubby and I ended up sitting together in the middle of one of the sides. So we were between two conversations. Just enough to not be able to hear well and not participate wholly in either one. At one point, I actually said to him, "I don't know where to look." We were at a table with no one that we had small talked with during happy hour.
The very kind waitresses brought out salads. Or, more accurately, they brought me a plate with about 10 GIGANTIC pieces of lettuce on it. I fought with that for about 20 minutes. I made some noises while eating that were accidental and that I am not proud of. For example, somehow my mouth made a noise like when you're drinking out of a straw and there is only ice left in your cup. Sllllllluuuuuuuurp. Only I had no straw and was just eating. As loud as the room was, it was of course pretty quiet at that moment.
Then they brought a steak out to my husband and a chicken breast out for me. Well, technically, they brought out plates of pepper with a dash of protein on them. Still, pretty damn tasty. I should have taken the chicken BREAST as a sign.
I think I would have enjoyed it more if my chicken had not been overshadowed by my actual breasts. See the pretty necklace? The chain was my grandma's, because I needed her helping me this evening, and the pendant was actually a clearance pin I bought a couple years ago. One I've never worn.
Out of nowhere, in the middle of eating, my giant brooch unclasped without warning from the chain and fell into my boobs. Right down my shirt. Look at the size of that thing. Not exactly subtle. Yeah. I am the epitome of grace and loveliness. I made a little noise and fished it out and stuck it in my purse. *High fiving a million angels* ala Liz Lemon from 30 Rock.
The hours went by. The group on my left said things like "The last time I was in Rome" and "You just have to stay in bed and breakfasts in Europe!" and I'm pretty sure someone said "I concur" in a non-sarcastic way. I tuned out most of the rest of it and said little.
On the other side, although the two couples were very nice, I couldn't quite be a part of their conversation either. The other two wives were very back and forth, with one including me and the other refusing to make eye contact with me for the entire 3 hours. Which made it kind of difficult. The one asked me about what I did (yay) and where we met (double yay). Shoot me now, please.
We talked about our pets a little and she threw me a bone and told me I was a stay at home mom just like her (she also had human children, though, a 1 year old and a 4 year old). So that was really nice of her. To not say I was the least motivated and interesting person alive. Then, it sort of went "Did you watch Lost? and the hubby and I were all "No" and then they talked amongst themselves. They asked what the last movie was that everyone saw and ours was Harry Potter, but before we could say that, one mentioned how they might go see the new Harry Potter and how they were embarrassed to admit that. I just kept my big mouth shut and kept drinking pop and water when the pop ran out. I would say about one time out of every four when I lifted my glass up, I either hit myself in the face with my straw or went to suck on my straw and it was nowhere near my mouth. I think I looked like I was doing an impression of a fish minus the aquarium every 5 minutes or so.
Um... So... We had Amish cheesecake for dessert, which tastes just like cheesecake. Only Amish.
The plates were all removed, glasses began to empty. Couples started standing and then some got their coats and made their exits. I watched jealously.
The second the hubby was inclined to leave, I was bolting for the door. Bolt, bolt.
We got in the car and he said, "Never again, huh?"
I laughed and said, "Just get me home."
Then, I apologized for not being able to make the evening fun and said, "I will go to as many of these things as you want me to go to. Because I love you."
And we came home and the presents were still under the tree and the kitty room had not been violated. All was again right with our world.
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