Timber! Or, If Your Love Takes A Nosesdive In A Surburban Backyard, Does It Make A Noise?

What else has been happening this month in the Happy Wife household? Try not to fall off the edge of your seats. Heh.

Did you know that when a tree falls, even if someone - or two someones - are in the house to hear it, IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FRICKIN' NOISE?

I guess a gentle breeze and some subtle gravity

slowly danced this tree to the ground.

 

My husband saw it first, when it was getting dark outside. He said, "There's a branch down." I walked over to him at the kitchen window.

Mmmmm-hmmmmm. Or, maybe, a tree. That would be a tree, Honey.

But you know, marriage! Am I right? Knee-slappers, all the hijinks and adventures you go through over the years together! Hah! Poe-tay-toe, poe-tah-toe!

I don't think "a branch" can have its own multitudes of branches.

 

...

 

But maybe it can. Maybe the husband is right?

 

...

 

*Maniacal laughter inserted here because that sh*t is ridiculous*

Nothing like half a tree coming down while you're both home, neither one hearing a thing. Oh, Nature. You're so funny!

Know what else is so funny? Or, who, in this instance? Tree People!

Just saying 'Tree People" is fun. It's like your life is suddenly Lord Of The Rings-esque. Or if Tolkien makes your head hurt, how about smaller scale, like maybe they make cookies?

About to shatter the daydream here - they don't actually live in trees, The Tree People. Did you know The Tree People must live in mansions?

You'd think something more rustic or relatable, but no.

Because it costs ALL THE MONEY to deal with trees.

ALL OF IT.

It costs so much money that you can't be just like, sure, let's do this, because you need to find more money before you can even speak their name again.

And then, did you know, Tree People cannot use the phone after they've come to your house to give you an estimate? They disappear. Mysterious, these Tree People. Mysteries wrapped in enigmas.

Sigh.

So the husband picked The Tree People randomly and decided we'd only call one Tree People place and then I got to deal with them. He then disappeared into his 'job' where he has been hiding ever since calling The Tree People.

Did you know The Tree People are so in tune with trees that they need only step one foot into your backyard to know all about your trees in order to tell you what needs to be done and how much it's gonna cost?

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO ACTUALLY WALK UP TO THE TREES. OR REALLY LOOK AT THEM IN ANY WAY AT ALL.

Magicians, these Tree People. Magicians.

When the tree people finally came out to do the work, did you know that 3 guys + 1 girl (my lady parts went all, "HELL YES WE CAN ALSO USE CHAIN SAWS! when I saw her, I admit it) can decimate about a million years of trees in 3 hours?

And that while you're in your house, you can finally say that you know what it would sound like if you were ever stuck inside a dishwasher? FOR THREE HOURS. And you never even knew until then that that was something you were curious about?

Even our most un-excitable cat got to her feet. Ignore the too high singsong voice I use to talk to the cats as well as the carpet in need of a good sweeping if you watch the video.

So while my husband is all 'working' and being a 'productive member of society' at his 'job', I am making cat videos and trying to determine if I am going to start cleaning the house tomorrow, or the next day, or maybe after I catch up on the past 10 episodes of White Collar.

I mean, I am overseeing The Tree People. That's obviously my main 'job' for the time being. I HAVE A 'JOB', TOO. It involves hiding in the house and making sure the curtains are closed in the dirtiest rooms. 

But that is cool. Because although I told my husband I could get out Gram's rusty old little saw and ax from the garage and take care of this stuff myself, after seeing what The Tree People Did... I am not Tree People material.

I sort of knew when I saw the birdhouse that I needed to just back away. It just was so perfect that it was like a neon sign saying, "Don't even try it. If I can hit the birdhouse just right, why do you think you could easily sit out here with your little tools and not completely kill yourself?"

Not even The Tree People could have made the tree fall

to break the birdhouse so perfectly.

We really need to up our game. I would like to have a reason to put on clothing other than The Tree People. We had 2 planned dates earlier this month and we went to neither one. Me and the hubby, not me and the Tree People. It has just been impossible over here to do anything together.

And then, he accidentally said he finds Christina Applegate attractive. To me. As in, it was an observation he made that he consciously decided to share. Outloud. To me.

Do you hear that sound? Not even crickets are chirping. Because they are terrified. All living things within a hundred mile radius are terrified and they don't even know why.

The husband made the mistake of saying Gwen Stefani was hot once. ONCE.

And we all know how that turned out.

Hint: NOT WELL.

It still bothers me, 8 years later. I would say that I didn't think it did, but I came out of anesthesia talking about her last summer. That's brain commitment, folks.

I can't remember what I did yesterday or the last movie we saw in a theater but unconscious-to-conscious Happy Wife goes immediately into the mental file cabinet labeled "WOMAN HUSBAND ACCIDENTALLY TOLD YOU HE FINDS ATTRACTIVE".

Now that cabinet is labeled 'women' instead of 'woman' and BOOOOOOO, HUSBAND. Booooo. Now Christina Applegate? Ruined for me! She's ruined for me!

It takes a lot of energy to mentally fight off these ladies from stealing my husband. And he does not understand this. I mean, if I wasn't mentally fighting them off, I'm pretty sure Gwen would have left swings-both-ways Gavin and I don't know about Christina's romantic situation but she seems pretty funny and cool per her work choices (Anchorman! SH*T. Husband, YOU RUINED ANCHORMAN! HOW COULD YOU?) so I don't even know where I was going with that... Now I'm mad about Anchorman.

Although... Didn't Christina have a double mastectomy? So therefore when I get breast cancer and the girls have to go their separate ways from me, this means the husband will still find me attractive? Tricky bastard.

Sometimes I forget I am married to a genius who sometimes moonlights as an evil genius. Hence my dealing with the Tree People. I think I just had a revelation there. Huh.

Peplum and The Police

My husband and I went out together yesterday morning. To the doctor. So that is how things are going here on the dating scene. Good times.

I shouldn't even complain. He had to get labs done and I didn't. It was more of physical/wellness type of appointment for our insurance. We still go in together, so that's sort of cute, right?

And, we did get coffee and donuts afterwards. So, romantic-y? He was all, "Pick whichever donut you want" and I was all, "Wooo-whoooo!" Nothing says love like when a man is all, "Take your pick, My Dear!"

Sprinkles! Sprinkles!

Says the child next ahead of us in line. Not me. Of course. Ahem.

Anyway, we missed our last 2 planned (ticket-required) dates because of his and/or my exhaustion. Then, I got to go to northern Indiana for almost 2 weeks for my mom's surgery. So we've been all sorts of directions lately.

My day today was odd but fun. I went to Kohls and came outside to find my car surrounded by 4 police cars. A row. A row of police cars and just emptiness otherwise.

Policeman were standing and pacing in the area by my car in the parking lot. I asked one, "Should I be concerned? This one's mine," while pointing to my car.

I managed to keep my, "Did my husband send you? How did he know I was here? Isn't stalking illegal? Did I say husband? I meant stalker. Also, he never puts the recycling into the actual recycling. He just leaves all his Pepsi cans and little empty juice bottles EVERYWHERE. I was with my mom for the past 2 weeks because she had surgery, and he had at least 5 empty toilet paper rolls just sitting on the bathroom counter when I got home! That has to be as illegal as my being at Kohls. Officer? Officer, where are you going? I got a dress for 4 bucks! FOUR BUCKS, OFFICER! The price points in there were criminal! "

 

Add a little grey sweater, tights, and boots

to this knee-length dress?

Summer to fall perfection!

Also, add a catchy theme song containing the words "marriage police" and a lot of jazz hands.

All right, so I kept the 'marriage' police out of the police conversation because it's sort of unnerving to have a lot of police around for no observable reason. You want to be all polite and good citizen-y in case a good dose of klutzy and Tourette's hit you right about then. Both things I would not be entirely surprised by if they suddenly hit me.

The policeman answered me with, "Yep, you're fine. But I think you ought to buy a lottery ticket on your way home."

It took me until I unlocked the car before I saw that the one non-police car parked anywhere near me had had its front half accordion-ed. That was weird since the front of the car was facing what the front of my car was facing, which was a 6 foot wide patch of dirt. Dirt that was well landscaped and home to various large trees and shrubs. On the other side of it was where more cars could pull in and park.

I had thought the car next to me was just a car. One car. But, no. Nooooo. The car attempting to park directly in front of it beyond the dirt and trees, well, it must have been going at quite a clip because that sucker had flown up and over the curb, mowed down the trees and shrubs, and didn't stop until it was in the driver's seat of the car next to me.

And there I was, coming out of Kohls, all upset about the whole peplum thing. Peplum, in case anyone is unaware, is this big trend right now.

Essentially, you put like a full skirt on all your tops from right under your boobs to right at your hips, or if you're already in a dress or skirt, you make a whole other freaking skirt to sit up high and flare out at that area on you as well, like a bonus. A bonus that could make supermodels look pregnant.

Why? Why anyone would want to put four more yards of fabric around the middle of a woman? It's insanity. The police should have been there for that sh*t.

WHY? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYY?

I don't know. I think the people behind it might have death wish. I get that Keira Knightley wants to feel like she has a womanly body or something sometimes, BUT NO. NO. NO. NO.

Oh hell no.

I'm going to find the person in charge of making peplum a trend this year and I'm going to punch him or her in the face. Or middle. Maybe in their peplum. Justice. Sweet, sweet justice.

For the record, I usually am also angry about the layering of ruffles all over everything the past couple years. Why add all this bulk when that is sort of the opposite of what one wants to accomplish? Because who doesn't want 8 layers of ruffles on a top? My favorite is when there are so many horizontal ruffles that one or two go right across the twins. Why not make the two good things I have going on look weird and misshapen?

Yet, I found this dress on clearance today and loved it!

 

 

The ruffles were longer and fewer in number,

so I think that is what made it fun and flowy.

And pretty figure flattering considering.

Plus, it's jersey. The superman of fabrics.

 

Is it weird that my requirement is can I wear it around the house? Is it comfy? Add some tights or leggings and call it appropriate daywear? At this time last year, I don't think I ever wore anything but pajamas or sweats if I wasn't leaving the house. You really do feel better if you're actually dressed. Who knew? Oh, that's right. The world. The world knew. Oh well.

This was an excellent shopping trip. And the doctor did say we should exercise more. Actually, she said, just try to walk for 15 minutes a day. So this totally had to count. Add all the trying on and that was like cardio or something. Heh. Okay, maybe not.

Perfect new top and dress with matching necklaces.

That dress and top were each $10.

The necklace on the right was $2.

The other was from Old Navy a while ago, I think.

So, breaking the bank... OF CUTE.

 

Then, there's this. I warned the husband

before he got home to not say anything bad about

the new awesome on my finger.

 

 

It's like I'm both a teenager and an eighty-year-old at the same time.

Why do I love it so much? Do I need therapy?

 

This photo makes it look like its on fire!

My ring, my ring, my ring is on fire!

(Like the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!)

((And cue the aging and shame that comes

with remembering the Bloodhound Gang.))

 

I wish I did this on purpose

but that is way above my photoship level.

 

 

Priceless. Or, $5, if you must know.

(Mary Lou head butted my hand the whole time.

She meowed, "For rubs and fashion!" or something.)

Also, there was a point today where I had to say to myself, "Wait, you don't need a fedora." So it was that kind of day.

Now I'm going to make supper since I just heard the husband get home. He gets to give the little kids candy while I attempt to keep all the pets in line. Happy Halloween! Free black special-needs cats for children acting out at the Happy Wife House!