Did you know that when a tree falls, even if someone - or two someones - are in the house to hear it, IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FRICKIN' NOISE?
I guess a gentle breeze and some subtle gravity
slowly danced this tree to the ground.
Mmmmm-hmmmmm. Or, maybe, a tree. That would be a tree, Honey.
But you know, marriage! Am I right? Knee-slappers, all the hijinks and adventures you go through over the years together! Hah! Poe-tay-toe, poe-tah-toe!
I don't think "a branch" can have its own multitudes of branches.
...
But maybe it can. Maybe the husband is right?
...
*Maniacal laughter inserted here because that sh*t is ridiculous*
Nothing like half a tree coming down while you're both home, neither one hearing a thing. Oh, Nature. You're so funny!
Know what else is so funny? Or, who, in this instance? Tree People!
Just saying 'Tree People" is fun. It's like your life is suddenly Lord Of The Rings-esque. Or if Tolkien makes your head hurt, how about smaller scale, like maybe they make cookies?
About to shatter the daydream here - they don't actually live in trees, The Tree People. Did you know The Tree People must live in mansions?
You'd think something more rustic or relatable, but no.
Because it costs ALL THE MONEY to deal with trees.
ALL OF IT.
It costs so much money that you can't be just like, sure, let's do this, because you need to find more money before you can even speak their name again.
And then, did you know, Tree People cannot use the phone after they've come to your house to give you an estimate? They disappear. Mysterious, these Tree People. Mysteries wrapped in enigmas.
Sigh.
So the husband picked The Tree People randomly and decided we'd only call one Tree People place and then I got to deal with them. He then disappeared into his 'job' where he has been hiding ever since calling The Tree People.
Did you know The Tree People are so in tune with trees that they need only step one foot into your backyard to know all about your trees in order to tell you what needs to be done and how much it's gonna cost?
THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO ACTUALLY WALK UP TO THE TREES. OR REALLY LOOK AT THEM IN ANY WAY AT ALL.
Magicians, these Tree People. Magicians.
When the tree people finally came out to do the work, did you know that 3 guys + 1 girl (my lady parts went all, "HELL YES WE CAN ALSO USE CHAIN SAWS! when I saw her, I admit it) can decimate about a million years of trees in 3 hours?
And that while you're in your house, you can finally say that you know what it would sound like if you were ever stuck inside a dishwasher? FOR THREE HOURS. And you never even knew until then that that was something you were curious about?
Even our most un-excitable cat got to her feet. Ignore the too high singsong voice I use to talk to the cats as well as the carpet in need of a good sweeping if you watch the video.
So while my husband is all 'working' and being a 'productive member of society' at his 'job', I am making cat videos and trying to determine if I am going to start cleaning the house tomorrow, or the next day, or maybe after I catch up on the past 10 episodes of White Collar.
I mean, I am overseeing The Tree People. That's obviously my main 'job' for the time being. I HAVE A 'JOB', TOO. It involves hiding in the house and making sure the curtains are closed in the dirtiest rooms.
But that is cool. Because although I told my husband I could get out Gram's rusty old little saw and ax from the garage and take care of this stuff myself, after seeing what The Tree People Did... I am not Tree People material.
I sort of knew when I saw the birdhouse that I needed to just back away. It just was so perfect that it was like a neon sign saying, "Don't even try it. If I can hit the birdhouse just right, why do you think you could easily sit out here with your little tools and not completely kill yourself?"
Not even The Tree People could have made the tree fall
to break the birdhouse so perfectly.
We really need to up our game. I would like to have a reason to put on clothing other than The Tree People. We had 2 planned dates earlier this month and we went to neither one. Me and the hubby, not me and the Tree People. It has just been impossible over here to do anything together.
And then, he accidentally said he finds Christina Applegate attractive. To me. As in, it was an observation he made that he consciously decided to share. Outloud. To me.
Do you hear that sound? Not even crickets are chirping. Because they are terrified. All living things within a hundred mile radius are terrified and they don't even know why.
The husband made the mistake of saying Gwen Stefani was hot once. ONCE.
And we all know how that turned out.
Hint: NOT WELL.
It still bothers me, 8 years later. I would say that I didn't think it did, but I came out of anesthesia talking about her last summer. That's brain commitment, folks.
I can't remember what I did yesterday or the last movie we saw in a theater but unconscious-to-conscious Happy Wife goes immediately into the mental file cabinet labeled "WOMAN HUSBAND ACCIDENTALLY TOLD YOU HE FINDS ATTRACTIVE".
Now that cabinet is labeled 'women' instead of 'woman' and BOOOOOOO, HUSBAND. Booooo. Now Christina Applegate? Ruined for me! She's ruined for me!
It takes a lot of energy to mentally fight off these ladies from stealing my husband. And he does not understand this. I mean, if I wasn't mentally fighting them off, I'm pretty sure Gwen would have left swings-both-ways Gavin and I don't know about Christina's romantic situation but she seems pretty funny and cool per her work choices (Anchorman! SH*T. Husband, YOU RUINED ANCHORMAN! HOW COULD YOU?) so I don't even know where I was going with that... Now I'm mad about Anchorman.
Although... Didn't Christina have a double mastectomy? So therefore when I get breast cancer and the girls have to go their separate ways from me, this means the husband will still find me attractive? Tricky bastard.
Sometimes I forget I am married to a genius who sometimes moonlights as an evil genius. Hence my dealing with the Tree People. I think I just had a revelation there. Huh.
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