Let's Throw Down, AARP!

See if you can tell when my grumpiness turned into rage today. It was while I was on the computer. In my email, to be precise. Some of my email this afternoon included:

Buy Some Seeds! Beautify Your Yard And Garden!
     Yes, because it's September and we've had six months of severe drought. Even the trees are dying.

 

View Pictures Of Seniors In Your City!
     No thank you. I worked in a nursing home. I have seen things I cannot unsee. I'm good. For life.

Your Daily Horoscope!
    Um, no. The Leo roars to stop clogging my email! Fire sign, Email! FIRE SIGN.

The Roaming Gnome (from Travelocity) Recommends These Amazing Falls Deals!
     Because I love to travel. I travel if I have to, um, move. Like to college or because I got married. Otherwise, well, I'm making the husband go to the grocery this weekend. That is how much I enjoy encountering the world. 

New UV Toothbrush Sanitizer!
     What are you trying to say, Email? Wait, did I even brush my teeth today? Sh*t. Kudos, you got me there. Do you secretly have my back, Email? Should I check my horoscope? Maybe something exciting is going to happen to me?

Staying Healthy Just Got Easier!
     DID IT? I TAKE BACK ALL MY MOMENTARY NICE THOUGHTS. BEING HEALTHY IS EASY NOW? SO NO MORE OF THAT PESKY EXERCISING AND EATING VEGGIES? OR DO YOU MEAN THAT IS WHY THE SCHWAN'S MAN HASN'T SHOWN UP YET? I'LL KILL YOU, EMAIL! I WAS ALL MAYBE I SHOULD FLOSS BUT NOW YOU'RE JUST PISSING ME OFF, EMAIL! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE SCHWAN'S MAN?!

Vodka Distillery Tour For Two!
     Hey, remember that time in the 7th grade when I tried a wine cooler? You must, Email. Except that time is one more time than the husband has had alcohol. So, really, the perfect date for the couple that doesn't drink.

BEST DRUGS (From simply 'ONLINE PHARMACY')
     THANKS FOR THE ALL CAPS. I FEEL YOU TODAY. And, I am getting dangerously close to clicking on you. Let's get the credit card with the enough-to-purchase-a-yacht-amount of available credit on it.

Interested In A Career In Law Enforcement?
     *Through gritted teeth* I WASN'T BUT I AM GETTING THERE.

Check Out Christian Singles Online Today!
     G--dammit, Mom.

AARP Membership Today!
     *Hits head on keyboard repeatedly*

Browse Local Asian Singles In Your Area!
     Um, what? Never mind, Mom, this might not be your fault after all.

Do You Look Older Than You Feel?
     Probably. Thanks. *Adds to long list of things I am self-critical about*

Find Someone Special In Your City On EHarmony!
     Seriously, EHarmony? You're how I met my husband, what, 8 years ago now? WHICH YOU KNOW. Was there some sort of bet we were unaware of? We're still happily married, you sick, twisted bastards.

Mexican Potato Nachos!
     ...

I... What? On Earth? Is this a thing? OH MY GOD. Oh, Email. I don't even normally like Mexican food but I do like potatoes and who doesn't like nachos and OH MY GOD. You do know me. I take it all back. You win. Is there a photo of this heavenly manna? Clickety, clickety, click, click.