A Deer, A Bear, A Horse, A Pegasus?

I had grand illusions of possibly being productive today. Might do a little of this, scratch a little of that off of the to-do list... Was gonna take my time to get ready for our date tonight. Ooooo. Ahhhh.

Of course, I also had a very full DVR. And all day Monday and Tuesday, I may not have super cleaned, but it was pretty close. The only things I didn't do were things like move the furniture around to clean under everything and swiffer the ceilings. Which I did last week. So, all in all, I had a nice, clean house.

You know how I was a nurse? In long term care. Long. Term. Care. In not the nicest places. I also have had pets my whole life, although not as many at one time as the hubby and I have had these past couple years. And, once, as a girl, my folks boarded a horse for me at a cattle farm for about 2 years (don't get the wrong idea there - it was an old, cheap horse, but I was so happy!). I also had a childhood friend who lived on a pig farm long before that. My point is, I have smelled smells my whole life. I am not unfamiliar with sh*tty smells. Literally and figuratively.

Yeah. Foreshadowing is a little too subtle a word for what I just did there, I know.

I let Mav, our Weimaraner, out into the backyard. I always go out with her and walk around, making sure she isn't barking at kids and bothering people in general. Making sure she's happy and not getting into anything. Watching for any thrown beer bottles on the ground from the neighbors. Protecting the squirrels. Not that they need it - the world's most mentally and/or physically disabled squirrel could still elude good ole Mav. Making sure there isn't a new lake hiding in our lawn from the other neighbor drowning his above ground pool under the fence just so. Creating a swampy, muddy mess in a large section of our backyard. Not today, thankfully.

Well, this morning, I came back to the house fairly quickly after watching Mav and picking up her business. I was calling Mav. Enticing her with the words "num nums" a few times. Usually she has pretty good recall with that promise of treats.

I came up the stairs, opened the door, and came inside. I went to grab her a treat. Usually she is already on my heels by this point and at the door... Hmm...

I turned to see her still out in the yard, far out in the yard, and she was doing something not out of character for her. She was smelling, then pawing, then shoving her head whole hog into the ground. The front of her followed, down she went, roll, roll, roll in whatever smell she had fallen so in love with. It's happened plenty of times. I always go to check it out. It's never anything I have been able to see, or smell. Once I think it was possibly one tiny, solitary mushroom. Other than that, it's always been invisible, non-human smellable smells. And I have a very delicate sniffer. Smells. I smell them.

Something told me to go out to her. Perhaps it was God. He had my back today, I spose. As I approached, I started to smell it. At first, I thought my brain was playing tricks on me. Then, I saw it.

Had a deer gotten into our backyard?

A bear?

A horse?

Wait, it is unlikely a horse since everything is so well fenced in...

So... A pegasus? Holy sh*t. Exclamation curse AND actual crap.

Mav was rolling in the largest, foulest, blackest pile of tar-consistency sh*t that I had ever seen. Or smelled. I have never smelled anything like this. Ever. And. She. Was. Covered. Even the underside of her collar was covered in sh*t. Not that I figured that out until later (after dragging her straight inside, through the house, and into the tub by her collar).

Ewwwwwwwwwww. Never. In. My. Life.

I hosed her off, then me, then Clorox wiped any surface and doorknob I may or may not have touched on our straight shot to the tub. Am still doing the mountain of laundry of towels. The shower curtain in case she touched it while I grabbed her shampoo.

Later, I get to try to pretty myself up for our date tonight. Yay. Ug. There is no way to make this girl presentable today. Had to wash my hair too early to take any care with it, blah blah blah, 8 glasses of iced tea, blah blah blah, sloppy joes for supper, blah blah blah. Did I brush my teeth today? Better do that.

Oh, I mean, candlelight and poetry and soft loving whispers. Spanx. Lipstick. Okay, lip gloss. Okay, okay, Chapstick. Gettin' in the dating zone...

IS IMPOSSIBLE!

I say presentable tonight will be wearing a bra out of the house. Wha-la. Fit for a social evening in public. Daniel Tosh, here we come, ready or not (him or us).